A "FAT" Anorexic--how is that??

Anyone who knows me in person would say that I am indeed "Fluffy" I detest the words obese, fat, plump...you get the picture. So how does a fluffy person have anorexia? Let me explain my past a bit with you. When I was a pre-teen I became aware of my body and its development. I have always been very active sports, biking, swimming you name it. My mom made sure that I ate healthy and well-balanced meals. I was a slim kid, that all changed when I hit 13. Puberty is hard on a girl. My hips developed and I was tired ALL the time. I saw these changes and I didn't like that I was growing up. Most girls embrace it, even wait for the day...not me! I loved being a kid. Well, I also saw how girls looked in magazines and on T.V. and they were thin. I wanted that. I would exercise in my room every night. I did 200 sit ups (I am proud of this still!) leg lifts anything that was quiet and would tone my body. My eating habits didn't change until I was a bit older.

When I was in High school and on the volleyball team, my coach suggested/told me that if I lose 10 lbs. I would jump higher I was about 140-150lb at the time not fat by anymeans....well I lost 35 lbs. I was 125 lbs on my 5'8' frame. I am large boned...inherited. I got the sickie award that year. I don't know how I survived on so little...skipping breakfast and lunch and hardly touching my dinners. We had 3 hour long practices 3 days a week, plus games and tourney's on the weekend. It was exhausting. We ate raw unmade Jello before games for instant energy. I even blacked out during a game or two. This started something that has stuck with me ever since. It is cyclical. I "recovered" at 17, that was when we went to Hawaii and I had to eat as I was with my family.

My first year of college it started all over again. I had a huge phobia of cafeteria's. I never once ate lunch at my high school. I started to skip meals again and lost what I had gained back from the previous stint. I felt great, but had horrible mood swings. Low blood sugar maybe, I don't know. Then came a horrible break-up at 22 and the weight crept on. I saw a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety...thanks to the breakup...and gained control again and lost some of that weight-the bad way.

Years pass, I no longer care about what I looked like. I get lost. I find myself again in my late 20's and try to make myself pretty with makeup and newer clothes, but nothing fits right and I hate that. I meet my future husband when I was 30. We are engaged a couple of years later and I knew that if I wanted to have a baby I would need to lose weight ASAP! My periods were so irregular. So a few months before our wedding I decided to take Dexatrim and really cut back what I was eating. Very soon I am doing low to no carb and eating very minimally. I joined Curves (which was a good thing) and soon I was going 3-4 times a week. I was losing weight and it felt great. I have to mention that the less I eat the better I feel. Call me Crazy, but it is very addictive, that feeling of being empty. Well, the wedding came and went and I stopped Curves because life got really busy. We got pregnant the Month after our wedding and my health and that of my unborn child was more important than starving myself.

So 19 months after my child's birth here I sit. I want more then anything for my daughter to grow up and love her body. That starts with me. I am breaking the chain. I am going to show her how to appreciate her body and get the most from it. Again that starts with me. That is why I am doing what I am doing.(Joined the Y and I am really careful on what I eat) My only issue is that I see myself falling into that pattern again. I have to remind myself that I need to eat, I look at the calories that I burn on the treadmill and doing the circut and compare them to what I am eating and say 'darn I know how long it took me to burn 300 cal. if I eat this I will have to work that hard plus some'...See what I mean. Sorry this is so long, but it is me in a nutshell. The 'fat' anorexic.